The definition of insanity is doin the same thing over and over and expecting different results.Or so I have been told.So I am apparently about as insane as possible without being institutionalized.I keep running back and gettin in line for the same roller coaster ride time after time.The pain that I keep putting myself and my family through has started weighing heavy on my soul.
Where I was a secret functioning addict for a decade within 6 months of trying to hang it up I've almost totally fallen apart.This further compounds the pain and guilt and deepens the feeling of hopelessness.I as a person have always went to great length to do the right things and to never lie but have caught myself lying as of late.Lies in the form of attempting to beat drug screens for employment and stating that I do not use any controlled substances,which at present is true.How long will this be true? I have resigned to admitting that I honestly do not know.This troubles me terribly,knowing that so far I have not had the power to totally control my actions and in essence my destiny.
I know the reasons for the whole scope of symptoms and why my brain is behaving in such a way,but it is still very difficult to talk myself through the spikes in mood and lack of joy or ambition.Although I am mentally,physically and spiritually exhausted for now I will attempt to drag myself onward in hopes of a light at the end of this desperate tunnel of despair.
Where I was a secret functioning addict for a decade within 6 months of trying to hang it up I've almost totally fallen apart.This further compounds the pain and guilt and deepens the feeling of hopelessness.I as a person have always went to great length to do the right things and to never lie but have caught myself lying as of late.Lies in the form of attempting to beat drug screens for employment and stating that I do not use any controlled substances,which at present is true.How long will this be true? I have resigned to admitting that I honestly do not know.This troubles me terribly,knowing that so far I have not had the power to totally control my actions and in essence my destiny.
I know the reasons for the whole scope of symptoms and why my brain is behaving in such a way,but it is still very difficult to talk myself through the spikes in mood and lack of joy or ambition.Although I am mentally,physically and spiritually exhausted for now I will attempt to drag myself onward in hopes of a light at the end of this desperate tunnel of despair.
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